The "what ifs and whys" are haunting me again...........

Tonight I was on Pinterest browsing like I always do when the babies have gone to bed, and came across something that stopped me in my tracks.

It was a picture of twin babies born early. The caption read something to the effect: one twin wasnt expected to survive, the parents fought to have them put in the same incubator, the stronger twin put his/her arm around the weaker one and the weaker ones heart rate stabilized and survived. A lady commented that its called the "healing hug" and stated that it was true for mothers in the same sort of situation.After delivering and the child is in danger the mother takes them and holds them and the baby sometimes will stabilize and be fine.

Of course my over active mind started yelling WHY DIDN'T YOU TRY THAT? What if you just took him in your arms immediately after he was born and just held him and sang to him and just touched his beautiful face?!?! They asked me if I wanted to see him right away or if I wanted them to take him and give him a bath and clean him up first. For some idiotic reason I said give him a bath first......WTF WAS I THINKING???? I'm not saying that the "healing hug or touch" would have worked in our situation, but seriously what was I thinking? I wish that I could go back and say I want him right away! Just to hold him, to see him, to touch his skin, to breathe in his sweet smell. To memorize everything about him. And maybe just maybe because what if holding him right then would have done something miraculous??

I believe in God, I believe that He performs miracles everyday. I believe that through Him ANYTHING is possible.  I believe that everything He does is for a reason. But what if that night I didn't catch on? What if that night Jay could have been the little miracle the world needed to see to keep faith that God does still exist? (I'm not trying to sound like I'm questioning God here, but rather myself. I was pretty doped up on morphine and I don't even know what else.)  I wasn't in the right frame of mind to think through all of this clearly.

Sometimes when I am having a flashback (they still happen quite often) I feel that I am but a touch away from him. That I am still there in that dark hospital room holding him, and I almost hear myself telling that person in the bed to do all of the things I did not do. (I know this may not make sense, I am aware.) WHY didn't I think to do any of the stuff I think of now?  Sometimes those thought bring me to tears, because not only is the memory of his face fading but I do not have the memories I wish I had.

October 15th Pregnancy and Infant loss Remembrance Day

This night was nothing new for our family. We remember our sweet baby boy who left us way too soon. We are a family of 5, even though looking at us walking through a store or through the mall you only see 4 of us. Tonight is about remembering all the babies gone from this world.

We miss you more than ever, son. We love you so very much.

3rd Heavenly Birthday.....

Its hard to believe 3 years ago today....

My world changed. My first child, who wasn't due until June 5th unexpectedly died and left this world forever to be with Jesus.  I never imagined that instead of bringing home a newborn baby, I was picking out a headstone and trying to find reason and purpose in this world.

In the past 3 years there have been many ups and downs. Grief is like the ocean. One minute you will be on top of a huge wave.

Breathing.
Surviving.

The next you can be at the bottom.

Drowning.
Struggling to survive.
Losing hope.

I never imagined that my life would turn in this direction and that I would be working through each day and trying to find peace in this world we know as grief. Grief is hard, grief is endless and grief hurts. Each day we are faced with new reason and purpose. We try to live each day as if its our last.

Just 3 months after Jay died, we began trying again. Just 2 weeks later I knew I was pregnant with our second child. That pregnancy was so very different from Jay's pregnancy. I was unsure of what was to come. I was scared.

My pregnancy with Jacen was hard, but we made it through. On the day we went in for the induction, I felt scared but also at peace. I knew my baby boy was watching over his brother and that God was on our side just like He has always been. Now I am pregnant again for the 3rd time, and once again I am scared out of my mind. But I feel "safe" if that is even the right word for it. I feel once again that even though I had pushed God from my mind for awhile, He is right where he has always been. Right next to me.

I've been trying to write this post for over a month now. Haven't had the time. To finish this up, I leave you with pictures from Jay's 3rd birthday in Heaven.

If Heaven weren't so far away.....

I heard this song not too long ago, and haven't heard it again until today. It really had me thinking, what if Heaven weren't so far away?

This is what I would do.

I would take Jacen to meet his big brother and his great grandpa, great grandma and uncle who passed away an hour after he was born. We would have a picnic. I would hold onto and kiss my baby boy. I would tell him over and over again how much I love him and miss him. I would tell my grandpa how much I love and miss him. We would run free in the wide open spaces that I image heaven to have. I would watch my two sons playing together while I sat and talked to my grandpa.  I would tell my baby how sorry I am that I could not save him. I would enjoy seeing my boys with their great grandpa and grandma. I would talk to my brother and get to know him. I would tell them all just how wonderful and special they are.

There is so much more. I am sure we would be making multiple trips. There is just so much and it couldnt all be done in a day.

I miss my baby boy so much it hurts. If only heaven wasn't so far away.

If only.....

Justin Moore - "If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away" Official Music Video

May is coming...

May is coming near. I have no clue yet what I am going to do for Jay's 3rd birthday. I cant believe he will be 3! I think maybe something quiet and at the beach, with some candlelight and cake. Just listening to the ocean, and the songs that remind me of him. 

This year feels so strange for me. I feel like this all happened in another lifetime. The pain and missing are still a constant companion of mine, yet grief feels so strange. 

I still wonder daily who he would be today and what he would look like. How big he would be. Or what his personality would be like. 

There are still so many questions that run through my mind that will be left unanswered, but I have learned to live with that. I am not God and I am not to question God. But sometimes I just want an answer! In time.

No where to run.....

No where to run
No where to hide

From the pain that is this life
From the grief that swallows me up
From the pain of seeing a brother play without his big brother

No where to run
No where to hide

From the nightmares
From the visions
From the "could have beens"

No one to explain
No one to answer
No reason to be seen

Why a life was made so short
Why a nightmare became reality
Why we are made to just continue on

No where to run
No where to hide

What is this world coming to????????

From MSNBC

New Year...

Well 2010 has come and gone, my baby boy has been gone for 2 years 7 months. Its hard to believe that 2 years 7 months ago this precious angel entered my life and in the blink of an eye he was taken from my very body without me knowing it. I loved this child, I wanted this child, I did nothing to harm him in any way and never dreamed of it. I still love this child, I still want this child and I still would do nothing to harm him in any way. I am saddened that there are mothers in this world who are graced with God's love and goodness by bearing his children and harm them and treat them bad and do not love them. I am saddened that sometimes these babies have to endure pain from their parents that no one should ever have to. I am saddened that my son died and I would have NEVER dreamed of hurting him in any way, but yet I was not allowed to keep him. I still can't ponder this question without getting upset.

To hold your child in your arms for the last time and know that you will never see him again is heart wrenching and painful. There are so many emotions that go through you. Some of you know exactly how this feels and what I am talking about. Some of you do not, but you have seen it first hand. You see the effects it has on a person, on a mother, a father, on a family. The effects of losing a child at any stage or age is heartbreaking. Its never an easy path to travel, to be honest its downright HARD and sometimes unbearable. 

2009 brought to us the most precious gift after losing our first son. It brought us Jacen. 2010 we saw the beautiful person Jacen has become. The end of 2010 brought us more great news that we will be having another little person joining our family of 4 soon. I can not wait to see what 2011 has in store for our family. I pray that God shines on us once again and brings this little pea safely to us in August.

May you all have a beautifully blessed New Year and may it bring wonderful things to you and your family.

Christmas Tree...

I know this is late but here goes. Every year now that Jay has been gone, (this is the 3rd Christmas for you who are keeping track.) I have gone out to put up his Christmas tree at his spot at the cemetery. Its something I love to do for him. It makes me feel like I am still being mommy. I dont know why its a tree, not like putting on his shoes or buttoning up his jacket for him or hugging or kissing him. But since he is in Heaven this makes me feel like I am still able to be his mommy.I love being out there anyways, its his place, our place to connect and be at peace with him. (I know HE is not there its just the shell that he left behind, but as humans we tend to hold onto what we know and his body is what I knew and know.)

This year I asked everyone in our family if they would like they could send a Christmas ornament that they made, bought or one from their collections that reminded them of him. We love everyone of them that were sent! Thank you all so much!  His tree this year turned out beautiful. Not only because it is his tree but because it has a little bit of something from the whole family.

This last one is one that we got for our tree at home, I love it! A seashell with a pearl that says "every life leaves something beautiful behind."

31 months in heaven...

I miss you more and more each day. I love you more and more each day. But sadly I forget with each passing day what you smelled like, what you looked like ( I look at your picture daily to remember) and what you felt like in my arms. This is one of the most horrible parts of grief, the forgetting. Not only do we have to try and live without you, but we also forget things that we wanted to hold in our memories forever, but time does not work that way. They slip from your memory without a warning. You will always be in our hearts and one day we will meet you again but while we are here on earth we wish that we could remember those things that time has taken away from us.

I think about you multiple times a day and day dream about the day that we get to meet again. What a wonderful day that will be! Until that day comes, I will hold onto every memory of you that I can, I will look back on everything I have written down or that are in photos so that I dont forget. I will never ever forget YOU, because "you are the one and only ever you!" (you know I love that book!) My sweet sweet child.

As you already know, mommy is expecting another little brother or sister for you and Jacen. Please look after him or her. I know you and God do a wonderful job. I am so proud of you my beautiful child. I could have never been more blessed. *Thank you Father for my beautiful children and the little pea growing within me, you are truly amazing in all your wonders. Please tell my son I love him very much and give him kisses from me.*

"The Shack".....

I borrowed this book from my mother in law a long time ago, but couldn't bring myself to pick it up until the other night I saw it sitting in my closet and felt a strange want to read it. So I picked it up and read it all by the next night. If you have not read this book it is simply amazing. You will shed tears so grab a box of tissue!

I cried a lot while reading this book due to the fact that the character Mack and I share religious view after the death of our children. For a long time I have been angry at God and questioned Him and blamed Him, for not making this better. The dialogue Mack has with God is simply amazing! I could almost feel like I was in his shoes and it was God and I who were having this much needed talk.

I found myself today as I was out and about looking at strangers and remembering what Mack and God spoke about and pushed any judgment out of my mind. The particular part in the book when Sophia tells Mack that he must choose 2 of his own children that will go to heaven and 3 that will go to hell, just broke my heart. When she then tells him that this is how God feels each and everyday when we demand Him to condemn one of His own to hell, for crimes they have committed or whatever the reason may be, before they have had the chance to even repent for their sin and be forgiven. Which is why Jesus chose to die for us! So that we may be forgiven!

I must say that I am trying. I have been trying for awhile now to let the anger and hostility towards God go. It has been working and I am continuing to improve and trying to be closer to God again. I miss those moments with Him.

I recommend this book to anyone who is struggling with this battle.

"The Shack"
By William P. Young

Thanksgiving 2010...

Just wanted to stop by and say Happy Thanksgiving. I love you my son and miss you so much. Its hard to believe this is our 3rd thanksgiving without you.

I think I said something a few posts ago how grief is rarely hard for me anymore, well I forgot that the holidays were right around the corner. Today has been rough, I keep thinking "Jay should be here running around with Jacen and playing, or helping me get dinner ready." Hes not. He should be sitting at the table with us today when we are eating and giving thanks. He wont be. Instead he is in Heaven, safe. While I only get to think about him, and try to remember what it felt like to hold him and kiss him. I cant remember anymore. Its been too long. It sucks.

I remember the first thanksgiving without him, 2008. Jay asked me to say grace, I refused. I remember saying, "what do I have that I should give thanks to Him for?" I have you and He knows I am thankful for you." He has my son, and I am not thankful for that." Those words were out of anger and pain. In reality I had and still have so much to be thankful for. My husband who cares for me like no other. I have his love. I have my sons. My health, my wonderful black lab. We have a home. And we have a family like no other. That is something to be thankful for!

Right now I am sad that Jay can not be here with us, but I am so very thankful that God put him into our lives. I can not imagine my life without him in it, even if his stay with me was short. I love and miss him dearly. 

Thankful.....

We have so much to be thankful for.

 

For my husband, without him I would be nothing.

Baby Jay, who has showed me what life is really all about. I miss him so much, but I am so thankful that he came into my life.

 Jacen who is our blessing and has been the healing in our hearts that we need.

 Our family. Even though one of our babies is not with us on earth we are still so thankful for both of them, and each other.

Shelby who was brought into our lives at just the right time. She has been amazing to our family. I dont know what I would have done those very dark days without her.

And of course our parents. Who have given so much for us and helped us tremendously. We can never thank them enough for what they have done for us. But we appreciate them and love them so much.

Our brothers and sister. They are amazing. I have never felt so blessed.


Happy thanksgiving!

Real love and real friends....

I know I know I have been on this "friends" thing. But I am still reading my "Grace for the moment" book and I keep finding these verses that just speak to me.

This one just really hit home for me: "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." Romans 12:15

For mommies who have lost babies this is a really hard thing to do. "rejoice with those who rejoice." When another mom is pregnant or we see someone walking down the street that we do not know and they are pregnant, sometimes we find ourselves hurt again, some even bitter that this person is carrying a child and might be totally oblivious to child loss. While here we are suffering and hurting for our children who did not make into this world or get to stay in this world very long.

I personally did not have this issue after losing Jay. I never really thought about it. I did have thoughts run through my mind like: "I hope she is kick counting" or "I wonder if she knows about kick counting" or "I hope her baby makes it safely into this world." Whenever I found out friends where pregnant after losing Jay I was completely happy for them. I never felt that they were trying to hurt me. Of course there were many times I felt sorry for us because of what we didnt have anymore. And times I thought "why me? why couldnt my son stay here" But I was never bitter towards them.

"Weep with those who weep" this part doesnt come easy to some after the first couple of months of grieving. I say that because to those outside of the babyloss community, after a couple of months some people(not all)a expect us to "be over it" even though we know that will never happen. True love and true friendship will never expect that of us. That is an impossible expectation.

The first couple months after losing Jay, I had co-workers just sit and cry with me and listen to me talk about him. Others if they saw me coming would turn the other way and almost run to avoid me. I felt so alone. True friends will love you no matter what has happened or happening in your life. Unfortunately during your most difficult times in life you will come to find who your true and loving friends are, and you will gain friends you never expected.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep" Romans 12:15

Is there a moment when this verse became reality in your life?

For me a co-worker became pregnant and we were ecstatic for her, then at 16 weeks she miscarried and we cried together. Shared stories about our sons and laughed at the silly things we did and thought during pregnancy.

Made for heaven.....

I have this book by Max Lucado called "Grace for the moment" and I have been reading it pretty much every night. Last night I happened across this:


Made for Heaven
"My kingdom does not belong to this world" John 18:36

This was the passage that got me thinking. "unhappiness on earth cultivates a hunger for heaven." isnt that the truth? we as parents who have lost our children can definitely relate to this. He goes on to say "The only tragedy, then is to be satisfied prematurely. To settle for earth. To be content in a strange land....We are not happy here because we do not belong here. We are "like foreigners and strangers in this world" 1 Peter 2:11

I have said from day 1 of my journey through grief that I feel like I am from another world visiting this strange place called earth. I am not happy with this world because I do not belong here. My heart is in heaven with my son. When I lost my son I was not happy being here and did not want to spend one more moment here. I was ready for heaven. God gave me another gift my 2nd child and I am once again content with being on earth for the time being until He calls me home to heaven. When I go home, I will leave this alien world behind and at last feel like I belong. I will run to the child that was called for a higher duty and will be blissfully reunited with him and I will praise my Lord for bringing me home at last. Those are the joys I am looking forward to when I am finally home.

30 months...

Yesterday marked 30 months in heaven. Grief has changed again for me. I rarely have bad days anymore, dont get me wrong I think about Jay ALL the time, there isnt a moment that I am not thinking about him and what he would be doing right now. But grief rarely takes me under anymore. I still have "triggers" if you will, but nothing in comparison to what it used to be like.

Today more than anything else I find that not only have I realized that few people talk to me now but I myself have realized I am different, and I'm not sure that I like the person that I am. I know I am the only one to change that, but its hit me hard why no one wants to talk to me anymore. I've never been a "people" person and have always been quiet and could care less if there are people around me, so long as I have family there for me. Which I do. I've always been one to shy away from big groups and prefer to be left alone. But after Jay died I realized that the few friends I felt I was close to have gone and I dont feel that it's just because baby loss is hard for anyone to hear or deal with but it's because I am a totally different person. Everyone used to tell me all the time "you are just so sweet" now I just get strange looks when I speak to anyone, even when it isnt about the loss of Jay. I feel that the world sees me as a different species and that when I speak I am speaking a different language.

When Jay passed I immediately felt that I was alien to this world and that I was not wanted here. Today that still holds true. I feel very much alone. I pretty much just stay home with Jacen and play with him, I do not go anywhere unless its to the park, grocery store or to have lunch with the hubby. I dont get emails from friends anymore unless I email them first. Which I am ok with, but I've been wondering why. I know not all of them are because I am that alien that no one wants to be around because her baby died but because of the person that I have become since that tragedy.

I used to work with a woman whose son died at the age of 40, everyone used to call her "strange" and "mental" and "nutcase". I feel now in the small circle of friends that I had, I am that person.  I really am fine with being left alone, but what bothers me is that a few of these friends have children around Jacen's age and I have tried a few times to get a play date going for Jacen (since he isnt around anyone else but me) I figured it would good for him to be around kids his age. But when I try I get nothing from any of them. I find it really sad that because no one wants to talk or be around me, they are going to do the same to my son. That is what bothers me.

"God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." Matthew 6:34


~My darling son, I love and miss you so much. I think about you everyday.

Jays sketchbook page...

This is Jay's memorial page for The Sketchbook project. I love the way it turned out!!! Couldn't have done a better job!

Busy Mom's Bible....

I found the Busy Mom's Bible at kmart last night and had to get it. Let me tell you I love it!!



I need something to help me through. After losing Jay I have lost what faith I had. Growing up we went to church every Sunday and Wednesday night. I was at the young age of 12 a Sunday school teacher. I loved what I believed and how God's grace always shined down on me. I felt His love and presence with me always. Then our church unexpectedly divided and our family and other families had to leave. Something did not feel right. I couldnt find my place after that. I continued to believe and feel Christ with me. But after awhile I seemed to have lost my path. I never got into anything bad, but it was like church and Jesus were just a mere thought of what was.

Then we lost Jay, everything I ever believed in was torn apart. Inside I was angry at God and constantly questioned Him, "Why". At first I would say my beliefs were "shaken" but after a couple of months I resented God. Even though growing up I learned and felt it in my heart that you do not question God. God is our creator and He knows my very soul. But still I was hurt, blinded and angry enough to question Him.

To this day I find days though not very often anymore, I question Him still. I question His existence in my heart and my life. Growing up I felt that I was immune to bad things because I was protected by God's love. However, you may love God and you have God's love in return that does not mean you are immune to life's tragedies. But because God loves us he uses those tragedies to show us that He is good and through Him you will find peace.

Today I was looking through the Thought Starters in my Busy Mom Bible and found this verse-

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:4

I cried and rejoiced at the same moment. The only thing that gets me through the hard days is this: I know in my heart that when my time comes and I get to heaven my son will be waiting for me along with others that I love that have gone to be with our Maker. We will be together again in our true home, Heaven.

Today is a new day. I pray that I will get on the path again, right now I'm in the pasture headed for the path. With God's grace, love and patience I will be there before sunset on my last day here on this temporary home.

29 months and Pregnancy and Infant loss rememberance day...

Today is always an emotionally hard day. For the past 2 years its been hard. But day by day my grief has changed, its not raw like it was at the beginning but it hurts none the less. Every day is a struggle to understand the unknown and the why. But remembering that God's plan for us is something greater and beautiful helps me to make it through.

Before Jacen arrived I knew what each day would be like and it was hard to face each day. But now that Jacen is here he makes me smile and warms my heart like no one else can. And just hearing him talk to his brother and run around the house saying "bubba" just warms me more. It saddens me for a moment but I remember Jay is watching over Jacen and they get to play and talk to each other and that makes me happy. Our family has something that is truly amazing and even though we miss our son dearly we love our life, because we know what his purpose is. We have been given the rare opportunity to see it. For that we are forever grateful.

For all babies gone too soon tonight a candle was lit in your memory. You are thought of daily and loved for eternity.

For my beloved son who was born May 15th, 2008 and my baby brother who was born March 15th, 1985. You both are loved and missed so much.

Love the quick pages......

Thank you to Franchesca for the quick page!

Butterfly....

Thank you so much Rachel!! I love it so much.

http://www.tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com/

Love this....

Thank you so much Cathrin. I love it!

28 months....

Isaiah 41:10

10~ So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I dont know what to even say. Its been too long and on the other hand time isnt going fast enough. All I can do is put all my fears, tears and anger in God's hands. He will guide me and walk with me through this. Yes its been 2 years 4 months and its still just as vivid as it was the week after he left me. Those people who seem to think that saying "time will heal everything" is a good thing to say to us, are wrong, in time we learn that we are defeated and yes to an extent the pain might lessen for some but I firmly believe time does not heal everything. This is one thing time does not heal.


My darling son, I love you with all my heart and miss you so much.

Tears.....

Today I find it incredibly hard to go forward. I miss you so much! The tears are flowing and won't stop. I want to find peace, I want to find comfort. But I don't see it happening, my heart hurts and my anger is growing, again. It's unfair. I had a brief flashback to the night he was born and saw how I lay in the hospital bed waiting his arrival. I cry because I want to be there again in that moment, so that I may prepare the memories all over again. Instead of being in a medicated state I would be awake and planning his arrival. I would take more pictures, I would get molds of his feet and hands, I would bring his whole closet if I could so that we may see him in HIS clothes. I would wrap my arms around him for days if they would have let me, instead of the measly 10 minutes I took. I would unwrap him from his blanket and look at him, I would take off his little hat to see his beautiful hair. I would kiss him and hug him all night.

Grief comes and goes on its own accord. Some days it hits hard and others its there but it doesn't consume me as it does today.

So for now to ease this sorrow and pain, I will take his little brother and hold him tight and not let him go until he screams for me to do so, and maybe even then I won't. :)

I love you my dear son and I miss you so very much.